Saturday, July 2, 2011

My life right now - as quoted by Tina Fey

"I didn't have the language to express my feelings then, but my thoughts were something like "Oh, it's like that, motherfucker? Got it."

Monday, June 27, 2011

Pillow Talk: The work edition

Me: "So she texts him to go to ikea. By themselves. No mention of me, y'know. The girlfriend."
Him: "Well she does like them cute and smart."
Me: "Well maybe we should add single to that mix!"

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Look how you want me now, that I don't need you

Friendships after relationships are tricky business. 

A lot of people will say that you can't be friends with someone you slept with. Or had a relationship with. There's plenty of rules and definitely plenty of opinions on it. Ask one person and they'll say some of their closest friends are their exes, ask another person and they'll say that you could never be "just friends." 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Who's your daddy?

Growing up without a father is usually a non-issue. 

When I was younger I had my share of girls--usually new acquaintances, asking me what it was like. However, if you know no different, how can you describe what it's like? I could no more describe what it was like growing up without one as they could describe what it felt to grow up with one. 

Monday, June 13, 2011

I was a heavy heart to carry; My beloved was weighed down

Anyone who's been through a sort of trauma knows that there's a chance of relapsing. Whether that's picking up that addiction, slipping into negative thoughts, pleading with an ex-lover... whatever the case may be, it's always a very real scenario and a very easy stumble back into a life that you just fought your way out of.

It's a little ironic I suppose, after re-reading my last blog post that everything seemed so easy, so final. The words I read there are ones from a girl with more self confidence. A girl who weathered the storm and who came on the other side. Yeah, she may be a little more scarred, a little bruised but she made it through and she was proud.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Cause I know it's going to hurt, But I like to think at least things can't get any worse.

I realize that when writing, especially on my blog, it may seem like the things, the issues or the problems I write about may get resolved a little too easily. Everything seems to wrap up in a nice little bow or with a (hopefully) witty phrase.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Our system's broken and I...I'll never vote again

Let me preface this by saying two things:

I do vote
I have very little interest in politics
This is my first attempt at writing anything about my views on politics and I expect to fuck it up a bit
This blog will never come overly political
The views in this post my come off as being na├»ve, uneducated or ignorant—but I’m okay with that.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I can't wait to fall in love with you; You can't wait to fall in love with me; This just can't be summer love, you'll see

With March came more rain, grey and clouds. I was honestly a little worried that this summer wouldn’t hold the same promise that the last two have managed to find.

Part of me was worried as it’s been a bumpy year that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe there’s just too much stress, too much other things to do to bother with a fun, silly list. There were deadlines to meet, new jobs to prep for, money issues, future plans to make. How could I find the time to manage a little to-do list on top of that?

However, that silly little to-do list had become important to me. I loved the feeling of accomplishment, of having something that was purely my own and afforded me the luxury to do whatever the hell I wanted—often things I had been putting off or were too afraid to do. This was about pushing myself in odd little ways, often things that had a spirit of adventure or were personal bucket list things that I thought could be accomplished in a summer rather than a life time.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I'm another day late and one year older.

I guess this blog wouldn’t be me without me forgetting/missing my one year anniversary. I’d like to say I’m fashionably late but even that might be a bit presumptuous.

That’s right, “Bitter is the New Black”, is officially and belatedly a whole year old. Happy (belated) one year to me!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

No one writes songs about the easy ones...

Relationships are hardly easy. There's usually some problems, some little wrinkles that need to be smoothed out, annoying habits you find out weeks down the road or past traumas that lurk below the surface. Rarely are you going to agree on everything, rarely is everyone going to be thrilled for you.

There's so much emotion that is wrapped up in one connection. Decisions, future plans, past flames, jealous friends, it's so easy to let things get muddled. There's sexual tension, jealousy, infatuation, anxiety, drama...

Falling in love is a leap and it requires a lot of trust to make sure the other person is there for you. And it seems to me, in these modern days, trust comes few and far between.

Just me?

Oh, well at least I have daddy issues to blame for that one. 

I know that he knows; That he wants to be my boyfriend

My boyfriend.

It's been awhile since I've had to say that. Sure, I know girls who drop the line every chance they get. 'My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that.' Yes, I get it, my jealous single self would say. You like your fucking boyfriend. Can I just give him a name? Tom does this, Bob does that.

Obviously, I haven't really been one of those people to sprinkle every conversation with tidbits of my significant other.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Over the times we've shared; It's all blackened out

I'll be the first to admit that I have quite a few flaws. 

One of the worst that I can think of---probably because I'm currently doing it right now is avoidance. I'm not big into conflict, I don't always face my fears or 'do what's right'. I hide away, I go the long way around, I keep my head down or I don't talk about it. 

I talk the talk but I can't walk the walk. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

You painted a picture so graphic.

This shouldn't be so hard. It's a simple thing after all.

But in typical fashion I'm making this into a much bigger deal than needs to be. Sitting here for the past couple of hours, sifting through various designs, colours, artists, sizes...

It's enough to make me want to throw my monitor against a wall. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

You'll spend every day; Shining your light my way

I'm sure you wonder why I've kept these jeans. 

There are days I wonder too. There was a brief moment where I toyed with chucking them. Unwearable I thought. Where I know people would see them in my drawers and wonder what I'm thinking. Why these jeans are sitting here with all the other clothes. Are they laundry day jeans, where nothing else is clean? 

It's not that they're especially tacky. They don't look special. They didn't cost a whole lot. In fact, I have another pair just like them. 

Sure, they don't fit that well. I've since lost the weight that held them snuggly to my curves. They sag in certain spots, especially around my knees. They're not super flattering, no one ever said I looked hot, sexy or particularly skinny in them. 

But what they lack in their ordinary little ways, they make up for in memories. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

There's a science to fear it plagues my mind and it keeps us right here

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow. - Swedish proverb

It was only last week that I sat down at this very computer, for this very blog to describe the crippling fear I had about going into surgery. I remember sitting here, trying vaguely to sum up the startling cold, twisted, paralyzing fear of being at someone else's mercy and being sliced open, taken apart and having a piece of me removed. 

I remember the feeling of suffocating under this weight, the feeling that no one truly understood where I was coming from. I remember the twisted and dark thoughts of wanting something bad to happen just to justify those fears, those terrors, that anxiety. 

I sit here almost a week from that day, describing a new fear, a new anxiety, a new worry. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I know it's a sin to kiss and swallow; a random prose

Wish granter. Dream maker.

I fulfill your every desire.

I've been called many names, Jade is only the most recent. I'm one of dozens of girls in this city, bright eyed and bushy tailed. The sweet girl you pass on your way to class, the young businesswoman at the bar drowning her sorrows, the angry feminist at the rally. I can be anything. I can be your's, her's, his'...

But only for the night.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Gone for surgery but now I'm back again

Well I survived.

I won't go into too much detail about the whole thing. The one thing I can say is that you don't maintain your dignity when at the hospital. Between the outfit, the medicine (and certain placements of said medicine) and basically being treated like a piece of meat... it's not exactly an experience I want to repeat anytime soon. Either way, I'm now hobbling around like an old pregnant woman. 

Sexy, I know. 

Thank you to the people who were there for me. The texts, the visits, the presents, the care and the love...

It means the world. 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

If only we could heal ourselves; We wouldn't need to be hooked up to these machines

It was a very late night during high school when I fell in love with writing. Back then it was always fiction, 'roleplaying' (yes, nerdy) with a couple of good friends and basically escaping my life. 

Back then, I didn't really realize how therapeutic it was. How easy it was to let my character feel what I felt, mold them, develop flaws (shockingly, similar to my own) and get the happily ever after I was always dreaming of--or at least to a better semblance than what I currently was experiencing. I wove stories with other people, picked up an ever developing vocabulary and it wasn't long until my short paragraphs slowly developed in pages and pages of text. My novice descriptions became lines of beautiful words, painting pictures, creating scenes, harvesting emotions.  I saw myself grow up through those pages, I saw myself improve, twist a phrase, rattle off a verse and generally fall in love with writing. 

It has been one of the few things that I am 100% proud of. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Pillow Talk: A text edition

C: "You going to be on tonight?"
J: "Might be on. Depends on how I feel."
   "Plus need to clean out the tivo (my life is so hard right?)
C: "I weep for your stresses of the evening."
J: "At least someone appreciates my hardships."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Oh yeah that's right, I'm doing me, I'm doing me

Growing up as an only child to a single parent has given me a lot of alone time in my life. Sure, a lot of people would ask me if I got lonely with that type of a household growing up. And yes, there are moments that I wished I had a sibling, wished I had more of a busy household, wished I had a better relationship with my family. However, now? Now, I crave that time. I desperately need it. 

I seek it. 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sunday To Do List: A study

Ah, Sunday. A day of chores, getting things done and generally catching up on the housework that gets shoved aside during the week. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

But I threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel

As someone recently told me, the only thing certain is death, taxes and changes.

Now, if we’re going to be adding a laundry list to the famous phrase, I’d want to add disappointment to that. Nothing is certain but death, taxes, changes and disappointment.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Hearts break too fast, when they're sentimental

I've never been one for Valentine's Day. 

Even when I was younger and Christmas, Easter, Halloween brought magic and wonder... Valentine's Day never held that appeal. I never expected candy, flowers, a card from my significant others--rightly so apparently as I never got that.

She says "Hey baby I just might take the chance"

If I talk real slowly, if I try real hard
To make my point dear, that you have my heart
Here I go, I'll tell you what you already know

Monday, February 7, 2011

And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied. I'm without you.

I haven't always had the best musical taste. 

I mean, everyone goes through their phases. Like most girls that were born in the 80s, I will admit that I did get involved in the great boy band debate (n*sync baby!) and yes, I fully wanted to believe in GIRL POWER! and have platform boots, short skirts and had a favourite Spice Girl (Baby). 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Wanted: New friend. Apply within.


Mature, creative, thoughtful and sensitive twenty something year old seeks new additions to her social circle. Duties of said friend would include: comforting, support, remembering birthdays, the odd tearful phone call at odd hours of the day/night, coffee dates, providing a shoulder to cry on, providing exit strategies for awkward situations, have long, meaningful conversations--and random moments of extreme immaturity and other things that could be included under hanging out aka, shooting the shit.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Inspiration's getting hard to fake it.

As January draws to a close, I can't help but feel incredibly lazy and unproductive. I've been noticing a lot of my statements, whether internal or not are often started with "Yeah, I should... " or "I need to do..." and as that inner task list grows, my motivation trickles away until the only thing on my to-do list that I ever accomplish on a weekly basis is clearing out the PVR in order to make room for the coming week's new episodes.

Yes, it's an actual chore. 

Shut up.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Are you my family? Can I stay with you a while?

When people ask me what my New Year’s resolutions are, I jokingly reply “to nap more and to start drinking at family events.”
 That is to say, it should make them a little more bearable.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tell every last boy that you're my man; Try not to let you down.

I will admit that I’m a bit of a riddle wrapped up in an enigma wrapped in a vest when it comes to the idea of commitment.

On the one hand, I’d like to claim that I could be it’s poster child: I’m a serial monogamist. I don’t cheat (often). I like relationships. I like calm. I like steady. I’m possessive--in the most positive way I can spin it. I like safety. I don’t mind being tied down. I prefer the ‘couple’ activities. I HATE dating. I have no want for casual sex.

Commitment seems to be perfect for me.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The town all dressed in white; And my skin is burning from the wind

New Year’s came in with not so much a bang but a rather drunk woo and possibly a sloppy kiss or two?

Followed by several hours of throwing up.

Now, as much as I’d fully admit to being hung over, unfortunately it wasn’t one of those cases. No, dude. I didn’t get like totally wasted. No, I wasn’t like SO drunk?

So save your scissors; For someone else's skin; My surface is so tough; I don't think the blade will dig in

Holidays and everything aside, this past week I’ve managed to do a bit of self reflecting. Like most people, I generally like to see the good in well, myself.

Yes, I can be incredibly hard on myself, but at the end of the day I like to think that I have some basic ‘good’ qualities. I like to think of myself as smart, funny, nice and a good friend. I’ve always felt that I was the type of person who wouldn’t be judgmental.

Okay. That’s a lie. I’m SUPER judgmental.