Saturday, May 21, 2011

Cause I know it's going to hurt, But I like to think at least things can't get any worse.

I realize that when writing, especially on my blog, it may seem like the things, the issues or the problems I write about may get resolved a little too easily. Everything seems to wrap up in a nice little bow or with a (hopefully) witty phrase.

I do this on purpose, to give finality to my writing so that each post has a self contained idea, thought of problem. Reading other blogs and articles, it often seems that everything comes so easily. It feels as though each problem has been solved and that there's a cute little bow to wrap things up. Perhaps maybe we'll even throw in an 80s montage of the whole thing. I can be seen frowning at a friend or loved one and then to the next hit single of some teary eyed singer songwriter, we'll hash it out, seen talking and there'd be arm gestures, tears and maybe a broken glass or two--having been hurled across the room in a fit of rage. Cut to the next scene where exhausted, huddled up together, hugging it out and poof! like that, we're back to being besties all within 60 seconds or less. 

Sadly, life doesn't end up that way.

Don't get me wrong, I often find myself falling in the same trap. 'Why hasn't this issue being resolved yet??' I wonder. Nevermind the fact that it's only been five months since the 'incident' occured and it was probably one of the biggest setbacks that any of us had to deal with. I'd love to speed myself right through into when I start school but unfortunatel I don't have a remote to my own life. 

Seriously, how cool would THAT be? 

In all honesty, I know that things won't go back to normal. I understand the causes behind all the hurt, the anger, the snide comments and the bitchy retorts. I get it. I wish I could sit here and say I'm above it, that it doesn't hurt me or that I'm not jealous or petty behind her back. I really wish I could use that as my claim to fame. However, I'm human and I find myself longing for some of what she has. I can use logic all I want, I can spell out the good things about my life but in the moment, it's easy to get swept away in misery.

Like all of my other posts, there's a bit of a finality with this one. Often, as a reader, you don't get to see the works in progress. There's always a lesson learned, the grief has been sorted to some extent and generally while you may be in the aftermath of a huge storm, that storm has passed. All you're left with is passing on what you've learned--despite the fact that it may be days, weeks, months or even years after you've worked through your issue. 

This post is no different than the ones I've mentioned above. There's been a noted absence within this blog and for this very reason. The storm has passed and the wreckage is what I have to look forward to. I use my writing as a way to sort my feelings, as a way to make sense of everything and to get it out of my system. For the past little while there was no simple bow, no easy answers. Even as of yesterday, I felt defeated and worn. It's easy to get caught up looking at another person's life with envy, picking and choosing their greatest hits and wondering why your life isn't like that. I think everyone has their good moments, their memories of amazing parties, of romantic dates, of successes, warm friendships... they just sometimes don't see it for all the crappy moments; the rainy days, the cancelled plans, the abusive boyfriend, the unsupportive friend.

For better or worse, I've found that with letting go there's a calm in me. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, sick of feeling jealous, angry, hurt. I'm done with being those things, not just because a life well lived is the best revenged but because I deserve better (something I'd never so much as think of even a year ago) and because the people around me deserve better. 

And sometimes... it's just that easy. 

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