Saturday, March 19, 2011

No one writes songs about the easy ones...

Relationships are hardly easy. There's usually some problems, some little wrinkles that need to be smoothed out, annoying habits you find out weeks down the road or past traumas that lurk below the surface. Rarely are you going to agree on everything, rarely is everyone going to be thrilled for you.

There's so much emotion that is wrapped up in one connection. Decisions, future plans, past flames, jealous friends, it's so easy to let things get muddled. There's sexual tension, jealousy, infatuation, anxiety, drama...

Falling in love is a leap and it requires a lot of trust to make sure the other person is there for you. And it seems to me, in these modern days, trust comes few and far between.

Just me?

Oh, well at least I have daddy issues to blame for that one. 

I know that he knows; That he wants to be my boyfriend

My boyfriend.

It's been awhile since I've had to say that. Sure, I know girls who drop the line every chance they get. 'My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that.' Yes, I get it, my jealous single self would say. You like your fucking boyfriend. Can I just give him a name? Tom does this, Bob does that.

Obviously, I haven't really been one of those people to sprinkle every conversation with tidbits of my significant other.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Over the times we've shared; It's all blackened out

I'll be the first to admit that I have quite a few flaws. 

One of the worst that I can think of---probably because I'm currently doing it right now is avoidance. I'm not big into conflict, I don't always face my fears or 'do what's right'. I hide away, I go the long way around, I keep my head down or I don't talk about it. 

I talk the talk but I can't walk the walk. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

You painted a picture so graphic.

This shouldn't be so hard. It's a simple thing after all.

But in typical fashion I'm making this into a much bigger deal than needs to be. Sitting here for the past couple of hours, sifting through various designs, colours, artists, sizes...

It's enough to make me want to throw my monitor against a wall. 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

You'll spend every day; Shining your light my way

I'm sure you wonder why I've kept these jeans. 

There are days I wonder too. There was a brief moment where I toyed with chucking them. Unwearable I thought. Where I know people would see them in my drawers and wonder what I'm thinking. Why these jeans are sitting here with all the other clothes. Are they laundry day jeans, where nothing else is clean? 

It's not that they're especially tacky. They don't look special. They didn't cost a whole lot. In fact, I have another pair just like them. 

Sure, they don't fit that well. I've since lost the weight that held them snuggly to my curves. They sag in certain spots, especially around my knees. They're not super flattering, no one ever said I looked hot, sexy or particularly skinny in them. 

But what they lack in their ordinary little ways, they make up for in memories. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

There's a science to fear it plagues my mind and it keeps us right here

Worry gives a small thing a big shadow. - Swedish proverb

It was only last week that I sat down at this very computer, for this very blog to describe the crippling fear I had about going into surgery. I remember sitting here, trying vaguely to sum up the startling cold, twisted, paralyzing fear of being at someone else's mercy and being sliced open, taken apart and having a piece of me removed. 

I remember the feeling of suffocating under this weight, the feeling that no one truly understood where I was coming from. I remember the twisted and dark thoughts of wanting something bad to happen just to justify those fears, those terrors, that anxiety. 

I sit here almost a week from that day, describing a new fear, a new anxiety, a new worry. 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I know it's a sin to kiss and swallow; a random prose

Wish granter. Dream maker.

I fulfill your every desire.

I've been called many names, Jade is only the most recent. I'm one of dozens of girls in this city, bright eyed and bushy tailed. The sweet girl you pass on your way to class, the young businesswoman at the bar drowning her sorrows, the angry feminist at the rally. I can be anything. I can be your's, her's, his'...

But only for the night.