Wednesday, February 9, 2011

But I threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel

As someone recently told me, the only thing certain is death, taxes and changes.

Now, if we’re going to be adding a laundry list to the famous phrase, I’d want to add disappointment to that. Nothing is certain but death, taxes, changes and disappointment.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I mean, it’s perfectly natural. Human beings make mistakes, we’re clumsy, we can be idiots and we can also be vengeful, ignorant and just completely oblivious. Disappointment is that grain of salt you take with life.

So if it’s such a certain thing why does it always hurt whenever it happens? Is it the piling of many disappointments in a row, the depth of the disappointment or just the same person who continues to make the same mistake? I mean if we’re supposedly so familiar with this idea, this process, shouldn’t we be more accepting of it as well? Shouldn’t it hurt less?

I guess it’s just our human nature to rebel against it. I mean, death comes, taxes come and yes, even changes come. Yet we seem to resist all these ideas as well. We mourn, we curse, we avoid but whether we like it or not, they come on swift wings sooner or later.

From the boyfriend who didn’t quite live up to your romantic dreams, to the job that doesn’t appreciate you enough, to the friend who isn’t quite supportive… disappointments manage to come in all different sizes, shapes and depth of pain associated with them. I’m not going to stand back and pretend that I’m completely perfect (I am). I’m sure I’ve disappointed many people in the past. The cancelled plans, saying yes to a boy asking me out, not being completely judgmental free with your new significant other, yes I’m far from perfect.

I suppose to avoid disappointment is just to lower expectations. If there’s no phrase of the correlation between low expectations and happiness then someone should come up with one quickly (preferably Joss Whedon, the man has a way with words). However, in the same breath, how can you continue to lower your expectations, continue to whittle away at your ideals of human nature and for what? Even the lowest expectations can still be broken; you can still be disappointed—talk to anyone who watched Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Sure, the boyfriend is amazing in other ways, the friend has supported other ideas and the job pays the bills. So where does the balance come in? What can you expect from other’s? And if you expect nothing, is that really a relationship? Is that really something you’re going to invest in? Is that something you can depend on? Is that even healthy?

I mean, I’d love to not expect anything from anyone. To not need to take anything, to not need someone in my life to fill needs or wants a, b, c. If I could depend on myself solely for my happiness I’m sure it’d be a lot easier. Maybe my friendships would be a lot healthier. However, I’m human and I make mistakes. Consistently. Over and over.

A main mistake? Depending or expecting from the wrong people.
Obviously most if not all of these things are forgivable. The boyfriend had no chance against what I thought I wanted or what ideal I bought into. That was my own fault, a stupid game that “those girls” play that I have no want or need to be a part of. I’m usually better than that but I got swept away. However, that said, I did spend a lovely evening with someone incredible and managed to exceed /his/ expectations. I’m happy.

The friend(s) who don’t support things? Well, that’s trickier. She’s busy. She has her own life. We don’t date anymore. She’s mad at me. He’s busy. Our schedules are different. There’s many different friends, they won’t all support or be interested in /all/ my creative endeavors—or even any of them. Maybe it’s just something I need to learn to accept or maybe it’s something I need to learn to push. Take a look at my art, tell me your opinions, read my blog, get involved. Sure, some of them take longer with getting around to things but I need to learn to accept that, accept that life sweeps us away and be proud that they’ll look, read, debate with me--it’ll just be at a later date.

Either that or accept that that will never be a part of our friendship. They can be supportive in other ways, supporting my relationships, my work, my career, my schooling. Maybe that’s okay too.

As for work? Well yes, some of the actions both from co-workers and from managers alike will undercut me, my job and basically confirm what I’ve suspected all along---my job is really not that important. However, this will never be my career. I don’t expect to be sticking here for the next ten years—hell I don’t see myself making it another year here. School will come and with that, new opportunities and hopefully finding a job, an industry or hell, just a company that will appreciate my hard work. After all, I’m those work to live people—give me a bit of appreciation, a bit of support, a reward for hard work and I’m your’s.

Foreva eva. Foreva eva!

So what do I do then? How do you handle disappointment? Shrug it off like a bit of dirt off your shoulder? Confront the people involved? Meet new people? Personally I plan on doing a bit of retail therapy, although that won’t be forever, my wallet cannot survive the shortcomings of human kind.

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