Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Over the times we've shared; It's all blackened out

I'll be the first to admit that I have quite a few flaws. 

One of the worst that I can think of---probably because I'm currently doing it right now is avoidance. I'm not big into conflict, I don't always face my fears or 'do what's right'. I hide away, I go the long way around, I keep my head down or I don't talk about it. 

I talk the talk but I can't walk the walk. 

One of the easiest ways to tell if something is bothering me is judging how long it takes me to get ready. Normally I'm not a particularly fussy girl. I don't take five hours to get ready--usually. If I'm comfortable and calm I can keep it to under 20 minutes without a shower. Pjs to party wear in 20 minutes? Not too shabby.

However, if I'm bothered or I don't want to do something or go somewhere or I'm apprehensive about what that could mean or meeting new people, that 20 minutes gets stretched and easily takes up the better part of an hour. Or two. I need to change my outfit four times, what type of shoes should I wear? Is this necklace too garish for this outfit? Maybe I should re-do my hair... My bed starts to look like a fashion war zone, clothes strewn on every surface of my bedroom as half the lights downstairs are turned on with me "busily" running to and fro. 

Now aside from that wonderful habit, the other main way to tell how much something is bothering me is that I tend to stay up way too late. I busy myself in various activities (hey, a blog post!) or indulge in a time suck or two... (hi World of Warcraft, how you doin'?). 

I often thought my best writing came out at night, a time where I was mostly alone and could focus on the task at hand. I don't deny that fact, but looking back, perhaps it just gave me the ability to write down and express what was bothering me. I could release that anxiety, that apprehension and really create something in it's stead. 

So it's Monday night--well, I suppose technically Tuesday morning. All the good girls are tucked in their beds and I'm staying up late, begging for a cranky morning and all because I feel like I'm stuck. 

Now, this isn't exactly original. I'm sure I've complained and written about this before. I suppose it's just a combination of outside influences that are really driving me to feel this way but I feel like people and my world is whirling around outside and I'm stuck, frozen inside and that my life is put on hold. I'm on pause and waiting for the days to tick by. 

Part of the problem I know is this lingering winter season. With grey day after grey day it's hard to get excited for anything besides pjs and a warm drink. Added to having to 'take it easy' and restrict myself from really pushing myself physically has also taken it's toll. Any time I do push myself I tend to find myself exhausted and out of it for a couple of days. 

The other, is that a lot of my friends have managed to really get working on their goals, goals I've long heard about and have generally supported. Miraculously, it all seems to be around the same time. Losing weight, finding that perfect job, going to school for something they love. And me? What am I doing? Doing what I was doing last year, working in a crappy office environment at a job I hate, paying bills and hanging out with the same people and doing basically, the same old things. 

The characters sometimes change, the roles shake themselves up a bit--a supporting character is now a main one. The love interest demoted to friend. The friend promoted to love interest. However, while the roles and the characters may shift slightly, the plot and the routine of it all stays the same. The story doesn't change. 

I feel stagnant, helpless, in a rut. 

The thing is, when I do complain about this, a lot of people tell me that I have so much to look forward to. A trip here, a weekend away, school this September... The only thing is that it's so hard to feel excited about things that are months away. Everything feels just out of reach and like smoke, disappears the harder I try to hold onto it. 

I need a challenge. A distraction. Something that will get me off my ass and doing something that will make me happy. I have wonderful friends and a great relationship but I can't rely on other people to make my life for me. I've never really wanted to rely on someone for my happiness--I've tried that and as the war stories of my beginner dating life can attest to, it simply doesn't work. 

I think in the past few months I've really realized you can't depend on people. That friendships, even long standing ones will always have their problems, their breaking points. There is never a hundred percent support, unconditional love, a friendship like we see in fiction. I'm sure one of the reasons I feel so lost, so alone is that I am, in a sense. The drama seems to have ended--well for now, it's at least settled. However, looking back I guess it goes to show that even after a decade, you really can't know or depend on someone. Even if it was only for the truth. 

I know that this has shaken us both in very different ways. However, at it's core, I think it boils down to trust. We both won't trust each other and hopefully it doesn't spill too much into our future relationships. But, at the end of the day, I think that even if this somehow gets repaired, if we somehow patch this up, there is no way that we can go back to how things were. The fracture is too big, too deep and I think part of my problem right now is that: mourning the loss of a friendship. Sure, it was one that wasn't perfect, that had it's share of hurt, confusion and misunderstandings but at the end of the day, it was solid, through and through. We got each other, we were sisters and it felt like, at the time, that no one knew me, or "got" me as much as she did. She knew when to play Mama Bear and when to back off. While she didn't always understand why I felt a way or thought I was being dumb, she was, in her own way, there.

That's gone now.

So what's a girl to do?

I'm hoping that this hour that I've given up to Daylight Savings pays off and with the brighter days, the hopefully warmer weather, some sort of promise will come along. That hope or some version of it, no matter how fake, can shine through. Like last year and the year before that, summer has always held such promise for me. It's time to start on that to-do list, but first I need to mourn this properly. 

I've done denial, anger, bargaining, depression. Now I need to accept this and move on. 

After all, haters gonna hate. 

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