Monday, June 13, 2011

I was a heavy heart to carry; My beloved was weighed down

Anyone who's been through a sort of trauma knows that there's a chance of relapsing. Whether that's picking up that addiction, slipping into negative thoughts, pleading with an ex-lover... whatever the case may be, it's always a very real scenario and a very easy stumble back into a life that you just fought your way out of.

It's a little ironic I suppose, after re-reading my last blog post that everything seemed so easy, so final. The words I read there are ones from a girl with more self confidence. A girl who weathered the storm and who came on the other side. Yeah, she may be a little more scarred, a little bruised but she made it through and she was proud.

Some days I'm that girl.

Other days, I'm this girl.

A girl with shattered hopes. One who lost her way, who slipped back into similar thought patterns, into negativity, who struggles, who falls, who fails.

It's easy to believe that this girl, this negative one is just the twisted twin of the other girl. The lesser of the two. The weak one. In reality, she's just one half of the same coin. There's nothing wrong with this girl, there's nothing to say she can't become that other one. She just lost her way.

Pride is a funny thing. It lifts us up, it lets us revel in our accomplishments, it helps us keep strong, reminds us of what we're capable of, but it also blinds us. That strong girl, that proud one was too blind to see the warning signs. As I already said, recovery is always a slow process and it's very easy to get off that path. Despite being clean, being happy, being able to move on with our lives it's just that easy to fall, to fail, to be swept away.

We start believe we don't need to keep track, we start to believe we don't need help, that we can do this all on our own, that the nagging thought is just something small and like an avalanche that small snowflake slowly morphs into something ugly and devastating.

It's time to start again. To begin anew, fresh and try to remember the same lessons we've been told over and over again. I don't want to say that recovery is an impossible task, I don't think it's something that we're not capable of--however, I know that I must keep mindful of the same patterns, the same thoughts. It's hard to reverse 8 years of the same behaviour patterns, of the same thoughts, same worries. It's not going to be over in one night.

So we brush off this girl, we put her back on the same path and we look to the healthy alternatives. Last time I wrote as a person who's made it through that portion, who made it through that nightmare, through the dark part of the woods. I thought I was writing as someone who had made it to the other side, who had made a decision and decided to stick to it.

Now I write as a girl who found herself lost. Who caught herself, who needs a bit more care and a bit more love. It doesn't mean she's not worth it, it doesn't mean that she's failed, that she's a lost cause.

That doesn't mean that I won't write again as the more self confident girl, the one who beat back her own fears, her own demons. That also doesn't mean that I won't write as this girl, the one who's spirit is a little more tarnished, who's a little more cautious.

Whichever girl I happen to be on any given day, I can only hope that I'll remind myself of these lessons--and hopefully end up a little less cheesy. That's all I can ask for.

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