Thursday, December 2, 2010

You put me in a cage; With a daily maze of flesh and rage

Okay, okay. I’ll admit it.

I can be a bit of a workaholic.

Now, I haven’t seen this as necessarily a bad thing. Sure, not all my friends would agree but they’ve long accepted that I may care just a little too much about my shit jobs that I’ve had in the last few years. Some would call me anal, some would just say I get talked into things too easily and others would just say that I invest too much but I’d definitely say that if it came down to it, if it was between “work to live” or “live to work” I’d definitely be on the latter side.

I guess because my job and the quote unquote “work ethic” that I’ve developed have been a nice constant in my life. Friends, lovers, co-workers--hell, relationships in general have always been an odd, scary territory for me but I know that at the end of the day I can do my job and I can do it right.

So yeah, maybe I’ve been kicked out of my workplace a couple of times by worried co-workers/friends, maybe I’ve re-arranged vacation schedules to make sure that I can cover up someone else’s screw up and yeah, maybe I have worked a couple of hours in overtime and generally re-arranged my schedule for work, up to and including canceling on social plans.

Doesn’t everyone do that?

That’s just who I am. I’m the over-worked, stressed out and sometimes snippy girl who doesn’t trust you to do her job. The ambitious snot who wants to go places, who maybe isn’t as polite or as fun as a lot of people but definitely can get her job done and properly. The person who when training people may let those people get away with a lot because honestly? She doesn’t think you can handle it. The girl you want to be on your project at work cause it’ll be done well but you don’t necessarily want to invite out for a beer.

Yeah, I’m sure I’m a terrible person to work with.

Now, while I say this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I suppose I can see a couple of downfalls with this personality trait. One, I’m not exactly becoming BFFs with all my co-workers. I’m not fun. And I’m probably more than a little judge-y. I get a little pissy easily. I stress even faster and easier. I guess the other problem is that inevitably I end up feeling like I do right now.


Or perhaps the better word is discouraged. 

That isn’t to say that I’m wishing for manager’s to kiss my ass or a huge raise or anything. Honestly, I’m not. That’d be lovely--well the raise thing would be, but I’m not asking for anything more than some care and goddamn respect.

And yeah, I’m sure y’all think that I’m just being a whiney bitch but come on, have you read this blog? This isn’t exactly earth shattering news.

And when did it become right or the standard to treat the shit employees and the good ones the exact same way? I mean, I’m not sure what else one can do to garner some sort of ... well, just a thank you. Or hey, you’re doing an awesome job, keep it up. I get that small things like that are often taken for granted and lost in the shuffle of our day to day lives. I’m sure I’m guilty for doing similar things but I’ve tried to make an effort to thank someone for helping me scan in my work. Or for photocopying a piece of paper. I do appreciate it.

Either way, I tend to find that about a year into a job, after throwing myself into it, I end up feeling this way. It’s not that I want to start not caring or doing a sloppy job, however it becomes a very internal reason to continue keeping up a standard of work--which, on a stressful or long day can make it even a harder struggle just to get through it.

Yes, I know. First world problems.

White girl is feeling like she’s unappreciated in her cushy office job with above minimum wage pay, vacation and sick days. I get it, I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than I do. But I’ve done the crappy jobs too, I’ve put in my time with retail, with the food industry and with contract jobs. I don’t think that it’s necessarily something that is specific to one person. In any job--for me, for all these jobs, this discouragement and generally listlessness is in every industry.

I guess the problem, and it’s a problem that can be found in any relationship is to find a passion again. To find something that makes it worth getting up in the morning and dragging yourself to work. When the money doesn’t give that to you, what else can you do?

I suppose my answer could have come with the potential job opening in our department. Yes, it’d be a raise (a very small one apparently), a promotion and a challenge. However, while three months ago I did actually jump at the chance to get the same job, I’m now left uneager and am really questioning whether or not this is something I’d want to do. Yes, this has always been a job for me and yes, school was always in the plan. While I hope that I’ll find school and a career more rewarding, this is my life for the next nine months.

So do I take the chance and try for the new job, possibly re-igniting that passion that I’m craving to keep me interested and less discouraged/depressed at the idea of my job? Or do I keep my head down, keep the relatively easy job that I’ve been given now and generally feel like my job is sucking my soul for the next nine months?

I was looking for a challenge and now that I’ve had the chance to receive it, I can’t help but wonder if I’m really cut out for it. When every day I’m left feeling numb and discouraged, I can’t help but wonder if this is all there is to work? Or can I hope that this comes with entry level jobs and that once I find a career that I’ll be able to settle down and feel rewarded.

Maybe I’m not really a workaholic.

Maybe I just want to become one when I grow up and find a ‘real’ job.

No comments:

Post a Comment