Thursday, May 20, 2010

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Okay. Yeah, yeah. I know. I promised myself that I would post once a week and I believed I missed last week's if not the week before as well [editing note: dayyyyuuummmm...apparently I'm missing two posts]. Don't worry. This won't be the only post for this week.

And no, I'm not going to start to have a series of checks and balances. I screwed up for one week and you're gonna judge me too? Pfft.

I kid.

Well. Sort of.

As anyone who has tried their hand at an artistic endeavor will tell you, losing your motivation or your muse has to be one of the worst things. I know it's not right to make an excuse, I said one thing and did another. Trust me, lesson learned. However I know that I'd rather post something that meant something to me and not just post for the sake of making a self imposed deadline.

Whether that was a good idea or not is really between me and my god.

So to understand fully, I guess you should know I'm not exactly the most adventurous person. For the longest time--and still in part to this day, I seem to be a mish mash of those around me. A little geek/tech here, the fashion sense of M, the phrases and way of speaking of M, opinions of my mother, tastes of my mother. I mean, to the point where I would hide things that I was interested in because I was afraid to be different, afraid to branch out, try something new.

Go out and eat with me. You'll see what I mean.

This is probably one of the leading factors of my “new” found geekdom. I didn’t grow up in a world where girls were invited to play video games, or to find out who Batman was facing next. I had no friends who were interested in this stuff (I believe at around the age I started really looking into this kind of thing, most of my ‘friends’ were into make up and brushes). I didn’t know what roleplaying was or most anything about the interwebs. (Shocking, I know). So, finding “me” in all this seemed to be fighting an uphill battle, one I wasn’t strong enough to face.

This isn't to say that I think I'm an individual now. I still hide interests --- or choose not to speak of them to certain people. I still take on certain viewpoints of those around me, I still don't always bring up my opinion to those I care about should conflict arise.

So. To understand that, to see where I'm coming from you can see why I hit a brick wall.

Now. This isn't an offense to anyone who's in my life, but there are times when ... Oh to hell with it, there are times when they just plain suck at support.

Sure. Maybe I'm on the needy side. Maybe I require a little more maintenance than most, but none of this should be an excuse to not be a good friend or family member.

So colour me surprised when things chipped off one by one. And when it rains it pours and I kind of ran into a brick wall.

Now, don’t worry. I’m wrapping this up quickly before it becomes an emo-esque tale of love loss and start writing nonsense about red roses and how it compares to my blood and I’ll probably throw in a sparkly vampire in there for flavour.

No, this is just a semi-apology both to myself and to all two readers who manage to flip to this page every once and a while. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself an artist, but I do enjoy creativity and being able to express myself. Unfortunately, that self is still very much under construction as is anything.

But what else would you expect for a twenty-two year old?

Self doubt, for any artist or any person, tends to be lurking just around the corner for any one to have a slight glimmer of unease. It worms its way into our minds, twists situations and thoughts and eats ourselves alive.

The only thing we can do is brush our shoulders off and get on with the day.

So that’s what I’m going to try to do.

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