Confession time: I’m horrible at secrets.
Not that that’s really shocking to anyone who knows me. Plenty of people say I’m a horrible liar, or that I wear my heart--and more specifically, my neurosis on my sleeve. It makes me a good target, I suppose. Not exactly hard to hurt or to know what’s going on in my head when I’m pretty readable.
While this may be something I’ve long ago had to accept, it’s also a bit of a pain. See, not only am I horrible at secrets and can barely keep my feelings to myself, but I tend to need to talk through things in my life. Sure, I know people who get through things, pushing them down and 'turtling' away their feelings. Part of me envies that independence. I’m just not like that. I crave discussion, talking through things, debate, opinions, outside ideas. I’ve been blessed with some incredible people in my life--finally, people I can share things with, hash out the bad and relish in the good with.
Which, I guess makes it that much harder when I can’t go to those people anymore.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. White girl problems, you have awesome friends who finally get a part of you and now you can’t go to them over this one thing. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination.
It’s just weird.
The type of thing that puts your stomach in knots. That alters your perception of the world. The type of thing where you question yourself and those around you.
Or maybe I’m just blowing it out of proportion?
See, that’s the problem. I’m use to having this anchor in the world. These people who can tell me when I’m being stupid, or just listen, or tell me to just shut up and enjoy the ride cause who knows how long it’ll last.
Growing up, I never really wanted to put too much attachment to people. I often found myself on the ‘dumped’ side of relationships. I invested time, energy, thought, care, love with these friendships and so after countless burns, I never really wanted to get in too deep. I put up walls. Funny thing is, it was recently brought to my attention that perhaps I do invest too much care into friendships that other people viewed as superficial. I play the counsellor and these people treat me as such, once their problems change or they think they figured it out--they don’t need our friendship anymore. Except I do.
So now I’m surrounded by people who are just too close to the situation to hash it out with. I already know it’d be pretty weird to discuss what I’m feeling with the people closest in my life. Most are already too involved to really have any say in the for lack of a better term, 'issue' and those who are the few and far between “superficial” friends in my life are not too shockingly, too busy to discuss any problems.
So I’m left with the dilemma: suck it up and internalize everything, or try to make new friends and maybe a couple of months down the road eventually hash this out.
Of course there’s always option three, paying outrageous amounts of money to a stranger to listen to my problems...