Tuesday, October 12, 2010

She's trying not to see you as her worst mistake

To the people who ‘live without regrets’, fuck you.

No, seriously. I don’t understand how you can live without a regret.

Not even one.

Not even if it was that outfit you wore in the third grade.

Although, considering this is coming from the person who over analyzes everything, I guess maybe we can just go our separate ways but honestly, I kinda don’t believe you if you ‘live without regrets’. I understand the simplicity of the statement--don’t get me wrong. And sure, I’d love to be able to look upon my life and say, hey life, I don’t regret a single moment of you.

But I can’t.

Sure, I’ve made some giant mistakes. Daddy issues over here is actually surprised she’s not /more/ of a slut. (Just kidding). And despite the fact that I am over analytical, I am very hard on myself and I am anxious... I just can’t really see someone who can’t just wish for one second they could go back and change one small thing in their life.

Because that’s all it really takes doesn’t it? One small moment.

Now, I’ve had plenty of regrets. From people, to moments, to that second helping of ice cream after a crappy day, to yes, that outfit I wore last week with the leopard print.

Well, maybe not the last one. It was pretty awesome.

However, I suppose the most recent one--and the moment to spur this particular post, was a moment between two co-workers where I could have stood up for a belief and instead, let a moment slip through my fingers.

At work we have two new hires. They’re both young--like even younger than me, a little green around the edges and both from Maple Ridge area. For anyone not in Vancouver, Maple Ridge is a district about a half hour drive from Metro Vancouver. It’s a bit of a suburban area where a lot of families go because housing is actually affordable, but it can also be looked at as a little “white trash” or “red neck”. Funny how attitudes do change with a short drive.

Anyways, one of my co-workers, and actually my partner at work made a comment. And I knew I could have said something--that’s the thing, but he just caught me off guard. I understand that you have different beliefs out there, but to be so disregarding of someone’s choice... it just floors me that there’s still this issue out there.

When discussing a mutually respected and admired actor, he offered up sympathy in regards to his sexuality. As if being gay was something that was a burden or a disability.
“Hey, NPH is an awesome dude but... it’s too bad about his sexuality.”

Now, I understand that everyone is allowed to have their own beliefs. Their own ideas. And I know that work isn’t exactly the best environment to get on one’s soap box but where is the right place? When is the right time?

It amazes me that you can think of something like your sexuality as something to be ‘sorry’ for or to look down upon, and I really wish I had the words then to express that. I realize it’s a small instance, and that a lot of people /would/ have turned a blind eye in order not to make waves, but perhaps that’s what makes it worse. That these small things go unnoticed or unmarked and that instead of making a point or expressing your view you just let things go.

Sadly, I saw the chance to educate someone and was left speechless.

I guess the thing about regrets is, it makes us better in the long run. Hopefully, living with that burden, that missed moment will make us chase after the next opportunity a little harder. Be a bit quicker. Maybe decline that extra shot, or excuse yourself from going out with co-workers, ask out the cute girl you’ve been making eyes at. So that when the time comes, you can actually be able to make the right decision.

So to the people who ‘live without regrets’ congratulations. I really wish I could say that about myself, but I can’t. I may be able to live with myself after the decisions I’ve made, I may be able to continue to respect myself, or get over myself or move on with my life, but live without regrets? Sorry, no. Not for me.

I guess I’ll just get back to working on the whole time machine thing.

Maybe then I can live without regrets too.

1 comment:

  1. "Hopefully, living with that burden, that missed moment will make us chase after the next opportunity a little harder."

    I'm confident you will. I know that when this happens to me and I notice it after the fact, the next time around I make a point of saying something.