Wednesday, September 29, 2010

There's so much to dream about, there must be more to my life.

Growing up, this wasn’t exactly what I imagined my life to be at 23. Although, I doubt most of us account for the middle years, the years in between “adulthood” and “teenage”. Sure, I suppose technically I’m an adult. I can drink, I can fuck, I can have loveless relationships, drive if I wanted to, go on trips by myself, move out, get a tattoo, see R rated movies.

Y’know. ‘Adult’ things.

However, I guess I just don’t feel that grown up.
Sure, I’ve finished puberty, finished high school, had some life experiences--some of which I’d rather not remember. I can go out and drink, buy alcohol, get pieced on a whim. I pay rent, bills, save up for life savings and retirement. I stress about money, about the future. My friends have kids, are getting married. 

But me? Yeah, I suppose my life hasn’t changed that much since my last year of high school. And it certainly isn’t what I imagined my life to be when I was 12, or 16, dreaming of my life outside of high school.

So like many of my generation, I pretty much grew up on your after school ‘teen’ shows. Your ‘Saved by the Bell’s and ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s. All of which lead to this very typical “young adult” experience that I always grew up thinking I wanted/needed in order to be a typical young adult. Oh please, you know exactly what I mean. High school clubs, getting into moderate amounts of trouble with lessons learned, get good grades and attend college. Learn to drive, kiss a couple of boys, get a boyfriend who’s perfect... Make sure said boyfriend doesn’t know you have magical powers. Know exactly what you want and exactly how to get there with just a couple of bumps in order to make it interesting.

Well, if I could tell my 12 year old self anything--aside from don’t date so and so. I’d probably say hey kid? Yeah, life sure aint like that.

Sure, it can be better than some things on television. Sex? Yeah, they don’t tell you how awesome that can be. Drinking? Getting pierced? Having an actual heart to heart with someone? Laughing so hard you can’t breathe? 

However, for the most part they never really prepared me for the aimlessness that I currently find myself in. They don’t talk about the student loans, the expenses, the backstabbing, the wrinkles that life /actually/ throws at you.

I remember when I got sick back in high school. I thought my life ended there, graduating a year later than my classmates and being shipped off with a bunch of kids who had way bigger issues than I did. I suppose when two of the girls in your class are preggers and two more have kids at home, your life few changes a bit--or at least your life views.

Sadly, there’s no big revelation now. Nothing really to bounce me back to “reality” and certainly no future self being all hey kid, life gets better after high school. Sure, I have a slightly better job than slinging deli meat at Safeway from high school but honestly, it’s all the same entry level bullshit. Office politics are not that much different than high school and so you’re stuck in this void, waiting for your life to start.

A boring, repetitive void that doesn’t really do much but pay the bills.

There were many times when I wished I could just by-pass high school. I knew I was made for being a student. I loved learning, didn’t mind homework, I like being put to good use, to be stretched, to grow, to expand myself and my thought process. I loved all that and I was a decent student when the time came around. But now? Punching in the same numbers day in and day out... Funny how it’s not much different than high school.

I guess that’s the issue now. Sure, I’m adult but why is it, with all these adult things under my belt that I’m still waiting for my life to start?


  1. Hate to be a debbie downer but isn't that the perpetual grind of life? We're thrown from one institution into another, eg. elementary to highschool to college to work. All repetitive in their own little way.

    For me its not the 8 hours (or more) at school or work that I center my life around but the after stuff. The stuff in between. Having thoughts to myself, talking to friends, just staring out into nothing, a walk to myself, reading, etc.

    Maybe instead of waiting for life to begin in these institutions you should look elsewhere, to life that can exist outside of these?

  2. Although the feelings of sameness, this grind, I get it. It does suck. I feel the same way sometimes. It's especially worse when I see what old high school friends have done in comparison to me. However, that's them and their shit and not me. So the way I see it, yea in some ways the daily grind hasn't changed but the people I spend time with, the things I do now, have. I'm happy with that, really happy. I center my life around that and capitulate that the grind is what it is but not the focus of my life. It's just something (work) there I use to make my life as fun and happy as possible.

  3. Perhaps, these adult things were hyped up as well? Maybe you've made that smooth transition already and wasn't a jarring culture shock?

  4. All valid points, but this is often where we differ in our personalities/outlooks in life.

    You've always worked to live. I live to work.

    Work-aholic right? Honestly, the best feeling I had--although I'm sure it didn't really feel like it at the time, was working at Rogers Video. I didn't mind the 12+ hours, the coming in early and going home late, the missed breaks, the missed lunches, bringing work home. I thrived on it. Shit got done, done properly and it was cause of me.

    Sure I bitched, but when do I not? Still, looking back on that, I felt good. I felt worth something, felt like I was kicking ass and taking names. It was something that was mine and mine alone. I loved that I was depended on and that I knew it was done properly because -I- did it.

    Yeah, yeah. Type A. Control freak. It's who I am.

    I just feel like I want to capture that. On a bigger scale. And right now? Jumping through hoops, forced to deal with people's incompencies and generally being at the lowest level of the totem is wearing me down.

    So yeah, life is a grind. But while you look at your outside life, your friends, your adventures to fulfill it, I've always looked to work. I can work, I can control work.

    Friendships? Not so much.

    Not so dependable.

  5. It sounds like it really isn't work then but what/who you can depend on; Dependability. Should friendships become dependable, however you define it, either black and white or a scale, then would you be happier? Would adult life then begin?

  6. Would your outlook on looking for control to have some sort of happiness shift from work to friends?

  7. I think I may have lead this off topic a bit as the original post was an unhappiness with my life due to childhood expectations.
    These expectations of what a "perfect" life is and when I should attain each mark have lead to me re-evaluating what I currently have.

    I feel like I'm in a rut as I haven't made anything of my life (similiar to your feeling of what your high school friends have). This is also the idea that a career, something to throw myself into will help distract me from the "daily grind of life".

    The friends, the dependibility will probably not change that feeling. I crave a feeling of accomplishment. Relationships, friends, while nice bonus items are not accomplishments in my eyes---perhaps a fact I take for granted.

    That's not to say I don't work to keep and maintain those friendships--it's just that it's only one half of my life.

    And friendships are life long things, not necessarily "adult". So, should those friends become dependable then I wouldn't feel any more grown up than I do today.

    I'd just have better relationships.

  8. Ahhh. Makes more sense now. Could you throw out those expectations of adulthood from childhood and create your own? Essentially measure yourself against a realistic set of expectations and not those fashioned by television and movies?

  9. Easier said then done.

    Some people have religion.

    I have television. ;)