Growing up, this wasn’t exactly what I imagined my life to be at 23. Although, I doubt most of us account for the middle years, the years in between “adulthood” and “teenage”. Sure, I suppose technically I’m an adult. I can drink, I can fuck, I can have loveless relationships, drive if I wanted to, go on trips by myself, move out, get a tattoo, see R rated movies.
Y’know. ‘Adult’ things.
However, I guess I just don’t feel that grown up.
Sure, I’ve finished puberty, finished high school, had some life experiences--some of which I’d rather not remember. I can go out and drink, buy alcohol, get pieced on a whim. I pay rent, bills, save up for life savings and retirement. I stress about money, about the future. My friends have kids, are getting married.
But me? Yeah, I suppose my life hasn’t changed that much since my last year of high school. And it certainly isn’t what I imagined my life to be when I was 12, or 16, dreaming of my life outside of high school.
So like many of my generation, I pretty much grew up on your after school ‘teen’ shows. Your ‘Saved by the Bell’s and ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s. All of which lead to this very typical “young adult” experience that I always grew up thinking I wanted/needed in order to be a typical young adult. Oh please, you know exactly what I mean. High school clubs, getting into moderate amounts of trouble with lessons learned, get good grades and attend college. Learn to drive, kiss a couple of boys, get a boyfriend who’s perfect... Make sure said boyfriend doesn’t know you have magical powers. Know exactly what you want and exactly how to get there with just a couple of bumps in order to make it interesting.
Well, if I could tell my 12 year old self anything--aside from don’t date so and so. I’d probably say hey kid? Yeah, life sure aint like that.
Sure, it can be better than some things on television. Sex? Yeah, they don’t tell you how awesome that can be. Drinking? Getting pierced? Having an actual heart to heart with someone? Laughing so hard you can’t breathe?
However, for the most part they never really prepared me for the aimlessness that I currently find myself in. They don’t talk about the student loans, the expenses, the backstabbing, the wrinkles that life /actually/ throws at you.
I remember when I got sick back in high school. I thought my life ended there, graduating a year later than my classmates and being shipped off with a bunch of kids who had way bigger issues than I did. I suppose when two of the girls in your class are preggers and two more have kids at home, your life few changes a bit--or at least your life views.
Sadly, there’s no big revelation now. Nothing really to bounce me back to “reality” and certainly no future self being all hey kid, life gets better after high school. Sure, I have a slightly better job than slinging deli meat at Safeway from high school but honestly, it’s all the same entry level bullshit. Office politics are not that much different than high school and so you’re stuck in this void, waiting for your life to start.
A boring, repetitive void that doesn’t really do much but pay the bills.
There were many times when I wished I could just by-pass high school. I knew I was made for being a student. I loved learning, didn’t mind homework, I like being put to good use, to be stretched, to grow, to expand myself and my thought process. I loved all that and I was a decent student when the time came around. But now? Punching in the same numbers day in and day out... Funny how it’s not much different than high school.
I guess that’s the issue now. Sure, I’m adult but why is it, with all these adult things under my belt that I’m still waiting for my life to start?