Tuesday, August 31, 2010

You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

There are often days that beyond the whole love, money, happiness and world peace thing--that if I had one wish, I’d wish for someone to make a soundtrack for my life.

Now, this goes beyond the whole me wishing that someone could let me know how I should feel about any given event. I mean, there are days I worry that my life is one giant black comedy and I just don’t ‘get it’.
Nah, it mostly has to do with the fact that music is so much a part of me. It constantly changes and evolves as I grow but with one chorus, or one melody I’m taken back to being thirteen, sixteen, twenty. It connects to me to so many memories--both good and bad. I mean, it sounds all lame and cheesy but honestly, there something about music that gets inside of me and just... well, I guess it goes back to the same idea from my Eat, Pray, Love post. You kinda just want to know someone out there has gone through what you’ve gone through. And above all, music, to me is about connection.

The thing is, I always figured that music was always a large part of everyone’s life. Growing up, especially in high school, all my friends had some sort of musical influence to them--with the lone exception per her usual self, M. I dated a musician or someone who at least fancied themselves as one. I was good friends with people who were artistically inclined and music had a huge effect on my life. It got me through a lot of things.

Still gets me through a lot of things.

However, the more people I meet, the more it seems that it isn’t true for everyone. It really shocked me when my last two exes couldn’t really say what their favourite bands were or what they were into. This isn’t to say they didn’t enjoy music or didn’t listen to anything. Just that for lack of a better word, they were in a music rut and--oddly enough, Okay with it.

It never really occurred to me until I didn’t have it, but I guess I always wanted to be able to explore new bands and introduce each other to music like that. I mean, there were rare exceptions but for the most part, we stuck to our own genres. He liked one thing, I liked another. There was a definite disconnect in that sense and maybe, had we had that connection--would we have been closer?

Unfortunately with the lone exception of S, I don’t often get to discuss or find out about new music. Sure, there’s the odd single that M and I will adore (sure to be listed some time soon on the Guilty Pleasure list: Mr. Adam Lambert) or a band or artist that G and I will share but I feel like I haven’t had that real kinship that comes from sharing/loving/obsessing over a band since high school.

The funny thing about that is, a lot of the music that I was in love with and am still in love with comes from those same people. Portishead, Emery, Muse, Alexisonfire, Brand New... I could probably attribute 90% of those bands to my first boyfriend (at least he was good for something).

But back to the original subject:

Now, I’ve never been good with a mixed tape. Sure, I can throw a couple of songs I tend to enjoy onto a CD or whatever but I know people who make fucking art with these things. Unfortunately while I can love, indulge, immerse myself as much as I want into music I cannot seem for the life of me be able to be musically gifted in any sense of the word. I failed at playing the violin---heavy practice only got me to the point where you could recognize which Christmas song I was playing. My singing is best left to clubs where I’m mostly drowned out--or too drunk to care (classy, I know). I couldn’t tell you what the difference between a sharp C or a flat C was. You get the picture. Mozart, I am not.

Were there one form of art I could effortlessly pick up--something that needs a solid foundation of ‘raw talent’ it’d probably be music. Which, when I thought about it, shocked me seeing as I’m so utterly and completely in love with writing and the written word. However, the one thing that writing isn’t always so clever at is conveying emotion in such a small piece.

You can have pages and pages of prose and sometimes it does not elicit one single tear. However, put a sappy score to it, put a trembling violin or a single vibration from the drums and it gives you goose bumps or gets in deep. Claws into your chest and doesn’t let go.

I guess that’s why music and soundtracks are so vital to movies and television shows. Sure, they hint at what you’re suppose to feel in this particular scene. However they always made me more invested in movies or a particular scene. Honestly, they can be very underrated considering that an entire movie can hit or miss on a score. Okay, well maybe not an entire movie. I doubt there’s any soundtrack in the world that could make Love Guru a good movie. However, a particular scene--especially one with any sort of emotion can easily feel cheapened depending on the music.

The best example I can think of is a scene from Grey’s Anatomy. (Hey, when it was good. So like first or second season.) Where one of my favourite characters, Christina Yang I believe had just woken up from loosing her baby and she’s exhausted, worn out, broken and empty and she just cries. Instead of adding some sappy music and driving it for all it’s worth, which with Sandra Oh’s performance is not exactly hard to do... instead, the moron in the music department played this “quirky” music to it, making the scene feel cheap or odd. Like she was just being a hysterical woman, never mind the fact she just lost her baby.

And it’s not only just movies or televisions. Music can be the backbone to any piece of art. Dance. Writing. Etc.

And it’s not just certain scenes or types of art but whole television shows or movies can be transformed just due some choice music selection. I mean, the soundtrack is one of the reasons teen shows like the O.C., Gossip Girl and Vampire Diaries are so successful. Nevermind when you get even more talent and have a movie like the Fountain be utterly transcended beyond what it was with the score that was done by one of my favourite modern composers--Clint Mansell.

Now, I may not be a genius with a mixed tape. I may not be able to strum any cords or lead an orchestra. I, do, however, kind of know what’s going on in my life and I know what really resonates and connects me to it. So I guess for now, until I get my wish this would be my mixed tape for my life in this moment.

For the two closest guys in my life (because I don’t think it’s fair to call you men just yet)

For the latest lost love.

And just for my life in general.

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