Thursday, April 26, 2012

The dog days are over

New beginnings. 

That's what I promised myself would happen by May. 

Granted this was last year, around September. I had just started school, started working part time at Starbucks and already I knew it wouldn't be the "fresh start" I had been hoping for. 

The main thing I learned in school was the huge difference between ages twenty-one and twenty-four. I looked at a lot of the girls, of the new friendships, of the giggling, the trading of numbers, the lunches together and knew I'd never be a part of that. Sure, I got by and there were a couple of hopeful points--but now, as the program wraps up, I know that there was nothing there for me. 

Work yielded more hope and some lasting friendships, but yet I knew I would never stay at Starbucks. It was a temporary job and that's the only thing that got me through it towards the end. That and free shit.  

Looking back, I feel accomplished. I finished my program with good grades. I may not have developed the friendships I hoped, but I did get what I set out for which was my certificate. However, a lot of what got me through the past eight months--hell, the past year has been that in May it would be better. 

This was my "it gets better" mantra. 

Now being so close to May, I'm unsure if this will happen. I look at my blog from last year and I can see that while many things have changed---a lot, has stayed the same. 

I feel like the life I've created is still on hold, or maybe it will never come to be. 

I feel a drift. 

I feel like I don't really know who I am or what I want from life now.

Perhaps this is just a reflection of my status. Being at a practicum, while incredibly helpful is again only something temporary. I've been in such a state of temporary lately that it seems that maybe I just need something more permanent to get me through it. 

Or maybe, maybe in May it will all change.

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