Monday, July 16, 2012

Every time I try, it opens up my eyes.

I quit my job.

It’s a terrifying realization when I think about it.

I have no job, no interviews, no connections and a bit of entitlement in regards to my worth that prevents me from finding the first McDonalds to apply to. Not only that, but my savings are rather small and as we all know, money doesn’t stretch very far.

I wish that I could say that I had some awful, horrible but tangible excuse as to why I quit my perfectly serviceable job. I wish I could give a solid reason that everyone would understand when I tell them. Hell, I’d be happy to say I’m taking a leap of faith and pursuing my ultimate dream of becoming … enterperfectlyacceptableifalittlebohemianjobhere.

Unfortunately I can’t say that.

I can try chalking it up to a quarter life crisis. Fighting inner demons. A lot of issues that the years of therapy have only begun to harness.

But despite the waves of panic that comes whenever I look at my bank account or the fears that gnaw at my psyche whenever I think too hard on what I’ve just done, I know it’s for the best. I’m trying to make the most of it—despite Vancouver weather making me second guess my self-induced unemployment.
I think I’ve made a lot of career-related decisions lately by playing it safe. I was so busy looking at the bottom line, at being responsible or doing the “smart” thing that I didn’t leave a lot of room for what would make me happy. Instead of being passionate about a field, I decided on what would be stable or “easy” and that’s what I went for. I lived in fear of failing, of being laughed at, at being criticized and instead I just played it safe.

Fear has been something that has ruled my life for a good majority of it. Fear of not living up to expectations, of leaving situations that were clearly not right for me, fear of putting myself out there, of the unknown, of mistakes, of growing older, of happiness… The list goes on.

I’ve made one major, scary step in fighting for something I want. Despite how long it may have taken me to get here, I did eventually do it.

And as they say, better late than never.  

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