Old hope, got stuck in your throat

As someone who is almost a Type A personality, who takes things way too seriously, and has a mother who has to be part hoarder, it’s incredibly hard for me to let things go. Whether they be material objects, past arguments, bad relationships or expectations, it always a challenge.  

May is to be a month of change. A month of evolution. A spring cleaning of sorts. It's about letting go of the things and people in my life that drive me crazy—or at least the ones I can get rid of.

I was prepared for letting go of the people---of “growing up” and getting a “real job.” I went to school for this. I researched my options. I made an informed decision. I tried hard(…ish). I accomplished what I set out to do.

Unfortunately what I wasn’t prepared for was curbing my expectations.

School prepared me for many things: it taught me to play nice with mean girls, to create a balance in my life, to value and appreciate my free time more, and it taught me many things that have so far, have not been useful on the job. 

I really don't want to say it was a waste of time--however, after finishing my practicum, I'm incredibly frustrated. I spent countless hours, thousands of dollars and energy, nerve and stress into a program only to be back in the same office, with the same types of people and sticking labels on folder. 

I don't want to come off like I think I'm better than that. I understand fully about moving up in a company, of proving oneself and earning that respect. I guess I just feel like an education should have afforded me more than just... scanning in documents. 

Expectations are incredibly dangerous. Hope leads to expectations, which in turn, leads to disappointment. 

As frustrating as it is, I'm trying really hard to be humble and to learn. I want to be that person who can put her all into anything she does whether it's photocopying a document or drafting a court form that needs to be done yesterday. I'm trying my best to change those expectations and look for the opportunities to prove myself, to prove my abilities and to show that I'm capable of more than building a binder. 

It's never easy starting from square one.